Your favorite jokes and cartoons - post them here!

[Moon]

Some cute stuff from Belvedere:

[Serene]

[Ace Rimmer]

Oh Serene, I am turning into Maxine more and more....and More, everyday!

[Serene]

Oh Serene, I am turning into Maxine more and more....and More, everyday!

LOL! Nah! Look at yourself! You look stunning with your long red hair, my dear! Stunning! Here's to the King of Rock 'n' Roll!

[Ace Rimmer]

Oh Serene, I am turning into Maxine more and more....and More, everyday!

LOL! Nah! Look at yourself! You look stunning with your long red hair, my dear! Stunning! Here's to the King of Rock 'n' Roll!

Oh you've seen me then!
Well my attitude anyway, is very Maxine.

[Moon]

More Belvedere:









I have always liked Belvedere since I was a kid. Very funny comics that were done in the 1950s for the most part. The humor holds up well.

[Serene]

I love Belvedere, Max! Clean AND funny!

Here's my friend Garfield who rocks my world!

[Ace Rimmer]

[Bob137]

I love that ne Metaluna, Thanks! In reality, that is probably what happened! He got lost, and refused to ask for directions!

[Serene]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

[Bob137]

Those were great, Thanks for the laugh!

[tizme4158]

Major cheese

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vs2l38DoqsQ&feature=player_embedded

[Bob137]

tisme that Star Trek short was funny. Thanks! The last part was the best with Spock and Ohuru!

[Serene]

Richard Simmons on Whose line is it anyway. If you like good ol' silly slapstick fun, this will get you laughing hard...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTxkxG3DF4k

[Moon]

[Serene]

[upperworld]

Gotta love the onion

[Theory]

This isn't a joke or a cartoon, but it is so dang cute and funny! It really brighten my day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLxI4lSbbHQ&feature=player_embedded

[Moon]

[Theory]

‎5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN.

(1)-FINE-this is the word women use to end an argument when they know they are RIGHT and YOU need to SHUT UP.
(2)-NOTHING -means SOMETHING and there will be WAR.
(3)-GO AHEAD -this is a dare not permission DO NOT DO IT.
(4)-WHATEVER -is a woman's way of saying SCREW YOU.
(5)-THAT'S OK -she is thinking long and hard on HOW and WHEN you will pay for your mistake.

I have to admit, I've used these terms with those definitions just a few times

[Bob137]

Those are five deadly facts! Thanks that was great and true!

[Moon]

[Ace Rimmer]

[tizme4158]

Twas an evil genius that developed this and now it is my turn to pass it on.
Click on the ball and it will change color. Yes it really does change color, so they tell me. I've yet to make that happen!
Whoever made this up needs to be shot!

http://thedogpaddler.com/RandomUploads/Ball/ball.htm

[goldenstar]

I have to say, I CAN'T relate to this one above thank goodness!

[tizme4158]

Never heard this one before???
How sweet it is

NEIL ARMSTRONG'S SECRET

ARMSTRONG'S SECRET, GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE BIT OF TRIVIA, IT MIGHT MAKE YOU CHUCKLE WHEN YOU READ IT.

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, 'THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,' WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY".

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS. OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY’ STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26- YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WEST TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY--

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

TRUE STORY

[Bob137]

That was funny, no such thing as a coincidence! I feel like Mr. Gorsky, since I got divorced last year, actually it had been a year prior to that, since I last had sex with the wife, anyway, I know no one cares about my sex life on hear, so I won't go into any sleazy details about my experiences!

[tizme4158]

Go ahead ... tell us Bob. We hear about everyone elses these daze ... egads! What's one more weiner story!

[Bob137]

Weiner, weiner, weiner, that's all women think about! Buy a toy or something! Just kidding1 I am not a player anymore, I changed over 24 years 11 months, and 3 days ago, to being a good upstanding, honest citizen, and I only tell my story to those in the know! I wouldn't want you women getting upset, or all excited about my excursions, so I will just keep it to myself, and make you wonder! I was a very honery boy, and man, I still can be at times, but I do keep myself under control, unlike how I used to be with women, and I definitely used too many, so I do my best now to treat them with respect, and treat them as I wish to be treated, and I believe I am a better man today for that. The past is the past, let the dead bury the dead! If you are living in the past, and always hoping for the future, then you are pissing all over today! So I live one day at a time. Who knows what tomorrow may bring?

[tizme4158]

A text will do just fine ...

[Bob137]

I have had over 50 girl friends, and 4 x-wives. The first girl I kissed was in kindergarten, (she is in a family that owns their own chain of fast food restaurants). The second girl I kissed was in third grade, (she is now a new reporter on the local news), the fourth girl I kissed became a stuck up snob. The fifth girl I kissed wsas a dumb blonde, and that was the first time for sex also at 15, (which we tried it in every room of her parents house, even in the closet, on chairs, tables, etc..)! After that I started seeing a few girls at a time, and it started fights. Then I graduated high school, got drafted, joined the Navy,my girlf friend at the time sent me a Dear John letter while I was in Basic Training, (she fell in love with a guy that raped her, crazy broad)!, and I had a girl friend in Hawaii, (who fooled around with other guys unbeknown to me), and a girlfriend in Thailand, who upon my departure, due to our orders, slipped some speed into my duffle bag, and called the military police, who in turn, contacted authorities of another country, and busted me on an island, (I cannot disclose that information due to National Security Reasons), anyway, I was hijacked out off that island, and ended up in another country, then another, then back to Hawaii, I then got another girlfriend their, (not gonna tell on this one, because her Dad was an Officer!), Later I got out due to my mother dying of Cancer, had numerous girlfiiends I met along the way, and had great times with. Then I got married to my first wife, (She was from Texas, her Step Dad got me drunk, and they took me to get a marriage license, and held me up and told me to say I do, and I came to the next morning, in bed with her, and I asked her what happened yesterday, because I couldn't remember, and she told me we were married, and that lasted a year, we had sex at least 3 times a day, but (she was a nympho), and could not keep her pants on around almost any guy, friends, and family! My second wife was just as bad, but she stalked me until I married her, only lasted 8 months with her. So that was the start of how my sex excursions went until I was 31, then I straightened up, been married twice since then, the 3rd wife also fooled around. My 4 the wife only fooled around once that I know of we were married for 18 years, but about 7 years ago she started drinking, and became a drunk again, and I divorced her, sold the ranch, and moved to the city, and am now single, maybe one day I will find the right person that will be completely honest with me, I am a good guy, but I just want the truth, which is hard to come by. If they can;t keep their pants on, they need to be honest with me from the start, not lie, and deceive me. I can understand sexual urges, since I have my own also, but dishonesty just hits me the wrong way in a relationship. I am an open minded person, but I also need respect just like anyone else. "Now for the rest of the story!" I had numerous girlfriend in between the wives, (and we had lots of great sex), and never once fooled around on a wife, ( even though I had numerous opportunities), but I did fool around on girlfriends which I should not have, it ruined some good relationships, and I learned my lesson! I still believe I will meet a woman in this lifetime that will be honest, I just hope it isn't going to be so long from now, when I am about dead! Anything else you want to know?

[Moon]

Speaking of sex, a couple of classics from Ms Joan Rivers:

My mother told me very little about sex. Man on top, woman on bottom. I bought bunk beds for my honeymoon.

My mother did not want me when I was a baby. I could tell because I was born with a coat hanger in my ear.

[tizme4158]

Bwahahahaha

[Moon]

From Isaac Asimov (paraphrasing as it has been a long time since I read it):

Old Miss Smith lived by the river where her back yard was close to the shore. A group of teenage boys would go skinny-dipping in the river close to Miss Smith's house so she could see everything. Miss Smith called the police and lodged a complaint about that.

"I'm sorry boys, but you have to move down the river to go swimming" the nice officer told them. The boys obliged and moved down the river to go swimming.

The next day, the officer got another call from Miss Smith: "Officer, those boys are swimming naked again!"

"I told those boys to move down the creek!" the irate officer stated.

Miss Smith replied: "They did, and now I can't see anything!"

This joke was considered dirty in the book written by Mr Asimov in the early 1950s.

[Serene]

A TRIP TO SAM'S CLUB
Yesterday I was at my local SAM'S CLUB buying a large bag of Purina
dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the
checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore.