Your favorite jokes and cartoons - post them here!

[Bob137]

That was a good one, Serene! Thanks! I'll have to remember that one, my friends with dogs will love it!

[Moon]

Serene, that story made my day! I wish I had a sense of humor and was quick witted like that.

[Hinduw]

Hey, let's start a joke board! I'll go first.

Who were the first mathematicians in the Bible?

Adam and Eve, because they were told to go forth and multiply! AAAHAHAHAHAHA...ha...ah..ha..

[Bob137]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" Asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of glaxies
and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow, What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo sh*t. It means someone stole the tent!"

[Bob137]

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic Churches than Casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos
of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the Chip Monks!

[Serene]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Bob137]

He's dead!

[Bob137]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game.
They had great seats right behind the team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she like the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they
were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, :What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: " Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!" I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!"

[Serene]

BTW- I'm a brunette! Just sayin'.......

[Moon]

A classic from Buddy Hackett:

A man and his two young sons walk into a diner for lunch. The waitress comes up to the table and asks the first little boy: "What will you have?"
The little boy responds: "I'll take a goddam hamburger."
The father then goes on to beat the little boy within every inch of his life. After he was done, the waitress asked the second boy: "What will you have?"
The little boy relied: "You can bet your sweet ass I won't order a goddam hamburger!"

[Bob137]

So Serene, you are saying you don't use whiteout on the computer screen, when you make a typo! And you don't have to paint TGIF on the tips of your panty hose, (Toes Go In First)! And you probably don't feel dizzy all the time either then!

[Bob137]

Hill Billy Conundrums:
Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.
Balderdash: That's when the bald guy runs the 50 yard dash.
Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much one persons fart can stink.
Abdicate: To spend time having my relations with my cousin Kate.
Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-Nilly: Impotent.
Negligent: Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
Lymph: To walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle: Olive flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steam roller.
Testicle: A Humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude: When someone has to have an enema.
Pokemon: A man who is excited all the time.
Oyster: A person who has a problem steering his pickup while drunk.
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent: An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Cuisinart: When a person paints a naked picture of his cousin.
Flippant: When someone can't flip a coin.
Relationship: When I take my cousin on my boat.
The Love Boat: When I take my cousin on my boat.
Contract: The rails we put down in prison for the trains to run on.
Twitter: That's when I twiddle my thumbs.
Facebook: That's what I will look like if I learn to read.
Frisbee: Cow Dung
Benefits: That's when uncle Ben gets upset.
Veteran: Horse Doctor
Software: Silk underwear.
Computer: ?
Office: Out House.
Business: That's what I do in the out house.
Laser: When we are all tired.
Attractive: A special tractor
Complicated: What I do with my cousin Kate in the barn.

Don't you just love them thar hill billy's!

[goldenstar]

I really love this one! Perfect for this board.

[SPEKTRE76]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'


The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.


The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.


The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'


The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.


Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'


'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.


Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.


'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'


The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.

[Moon]

Here are a few cartoons:

[Serene]

[tizme4158]

Wishing you all a very Happy and Healthy Holiday Season!

[mlauzon]

Don't know if this is the right place, if it isn't then hopefully a mod will move it.

There was a joke thread on the old forum before all the trouble, and it was popular, so here is a new one.

I'll start:

[Moon]

I found the old joke thread and merged this one with it. Since all the posts are still up, we can keep the old one going.

[leftover lasagna]

Pinky And The Brain must be one of the most outlandish cartoons ever made and in one particularly memorable episode, dishes up a superbly wacky homage to The War Of The Worlds, though it's fair to say that Pinky And The Brain is really nothing less than one huge homage to Orson Welles. The voice of Brain, the super-intelligent mouse with designs on world domination was provided by Maurice LaMarche, an avowed fan of Welles....huh...the picture didn't come up...oh well just google it LOL

[yerock III stoneman]

Ancient Chinese Proverb (they were advanced in traveling back then): one who runs in front of car get tired, one who runs behind car get exhausted.
... Peace.

[leftover lasagna]

Two guys are sitting at a bar/restaurant in the top of a building in Chicago. They're discussing how windy it is outside on the terrace. The first guy says,"I'll bet you a hundred bucks I can jump off this roof, get caught in a gust of wind, and get carried right back up here." The second guy says,"No way, you're crazy !" So the first guy jumps off, catches a big gust of wind and is carried back to the roof. The first guy can't believe it ! He says, "Now I HAVE to try that !!" So he jumps off the roof, and SPLAT falls to the ground dead.
Then, the bartender walks by and says, "Superman, you're really an asshole when you're drunk"

[Moon]

An oldie but goodie:

My son Kenny and his buddy Johnny were down on the farm for the weekend. They were walking past a horse when Jon said: "I have never seen a horse laugh!"

With that said, Kenny walked up to the horse and whispered something into its ear. The horse started to laugh hysterically.

The next day Kenny and Johnny walked past the horse again. The horse saw Kenny and started to chuckle again. Johnny said: "I have never seen a horse cry before, either."

Kenny then walked the horse to the back of the barn. After a few minutes, the horse walked out and was crying. Johnny had to ask Kenny: "How the hell did you do that?"

Kenny replied: "I first told the horse my penis was bigger than its so it started to laugh."

"How did you get it to cry?" asked Johnny.

"I took it out and showed it to him!"

[Bob137]

Aliens chatter about the silliest things, you know about all the whirlygigs, and whatchamacallits, and they were dumbfounded and empathetic on what goes on down on earth about two different aspects of stupid stinky monkey people games, that used two different sized balls. Joey the first aliens says: Hey those balls ain't the same size, and Tom, the second aliens, says, it makes me walk lopsided just thinking about balls being two different sizes. Then Joey says well that's not the half of it, the one uses a magnificent specimen of a you know what that sticks out of your you know where, and the other one, has one cut in half right down the middle. The other aliens starts to cry, just thinking about having one split in half, all the way down the middle. Then Joey says, it's much worse than you think. The one split down the middle catches the balls, and the other big one hits them as hard as they can! Tom screams in excrutiating pain, and says: God Joey, that's the most terrible thing in the galaxy, how could those things do that, they must be masochists, or something! Joey says:Yeah, I think so, they actually enjoy it, and they cheer them on while doing it. Tom says: Let's get out of here, I've heard enough. Those are some sick beings down there!

[yerock III stoneman]

Whats the difference between the MIR Space Station and a Yugo?
Altitude.

[leftover lasagna]

A pink squirrel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink named after you." The squirrel says, "You have a drink named Shanequa?"

[Moon]

A horse walked into the bar and the bartender asked:

"Why the long face?"

[yerock III stoneman]

Nasa pick-up line:
Hi, I'm an astronaut. My next mission is to explore Uranus.

[Moon]

Another oldie but goodie (and a bit bawdy!):

My son Kenny and his buddy Johnny were at a petting zoo when Johnny looked at the elephant. "I have never seen an elephant jump up in the air" Johnny said.

Kenny then walked up to the elephant, grabbed its testicles and smacked them with his hands. The elephant jumped up very high in the air after that.

The next week both boys were at the petting zoo when Johnny noticed the same elephant. "I always see the elephants move their head up and down, but never side by side" Johnny remarked.

Kenny then walked up to the elephant: "Remember me?"

The elephant moved its head up and down.

"Do you want me to do that again to you?"

The elephant moved its head side by side indicating NO.

[leftover lasagna]

What did the dyslexic insomniac agnostic do? Stayed up all night and doubted the existence of DOG.

[yerock III stoneman]

Yo, your mama's sooo big, here's how she plays hopscotch: "Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars ...
..

[magnetik]

Not sure if this has been posted but thought it was pretty funny. Sorry if it's a repost.



Julian

[Serene]

Haha, good one, Julian!